I wake up in the morning I take my medication and I write. And that's about it. I document my life. And I try to navigate a route through my Parkinson's day and try and make some sense of my diminishing life, and get something out of it because if I don't then it's gone and I will have nothing to show for it. And, so I keep writing and I keep working at the things I am still able to do as my body keeps losing those oh-so-precious dopamine cells. But I don't worry about that because I have more important things to do and think about like eating and breathing, thinking because you take all the basic functions for granted like your lungs working and being able to swallow food or smile but you soon come to realize that Mister Parkinson's doesn't just affect basic parts of your body because it spreads to the rest of your functionality until nothing comes automatic and everything has to be a manual thought and that's when Mister Parkinson starts to slowly but surely wear you down because it becomes tiring not just to your body but to your mind as well.

I lead a very simple life and I avoid complications because complications can cause me stress, anxiety, and panic. My mind and my body had been hurtling along at warp speed and everything around me seemed blurred and out of focus. And the adrenaline in my body was like nuclear fuel. I was traveling so fast that I couldn't slow down and I was starting to worry about everything and needed to get off the high-speed train of life because it was making me ill, and I would suffer burnout and unravel. And that's exactly what happened. I became a casualty of modern life. And so I had to drastically change my lifestyle in order to survive and now I walk instead of running and I contemplate instead of watching television. It's drastic but it works for me. Silence can be spiritually rewarding and can rejuvenate the mind, heal your soul and reconnect you to what's really important, and what's really important is making sure that you learn to take care of yourself. oast. Unfortunately, the tea that was once hot and the toast that was once warm had become completely the opposite. While I had just been contemplating my life coping with Parkinson's I had let the two things which I was so looking forward to go cold. So I sat back in my squeaky ikea chair drinking my cold tea and trying to chew on my hard piece of toast shivering and wondering where would be the best place for us to go for a walk today?

HEY MISTER PARKINSON

HEY MISTER PARKINSON! Well, it's official. We are living together. After seeing my neurologist today I've decided to lease a room in my brain to an uninvited guest. I wouldn't say that it was somebody of my own choosing but there are some things in life that we have absolutely no control over and this is one of them. The day I finally realized and accepted the fact that I was going to have to live with Mister Parkinson for the rest of my life was the day that my life started to make any sense. Before that, I was going through the motions of what I thought life was supposed to be like with Parkinson's disease. All the neurologists and the textbooks and every possible point of view that you can imagine were telling me that if I was diagnosed with Parkinson's then it would be a slow physical and mental decline, time factor unknown. And, that's because everybody's symptoms are different and react in totally different ways but there was no doubt that if you were diagnosed with Parkinson's that there was never going to be an improvement and there was only going to be a decline which is a pretty grim assessment for anybody to take on board. And yet for some reason, it doesn't mean anything to me anymore because, in the early years of my diagnosis, it seemed like a far-off distant galaxy that I was never going to reach. But as I get older and after all these years you would have thought that I could see the end of my journey looming somewhere in the distance. And whilst I realize that I will eventually end up as a vegetable in a turnip patch, with very few dopamine cells, it's the furthest thought from my mind right now. Because now I am planning for my future and the things I am going to do with the rest of my life because this time is my time and is so precious to me. So that I am going to get as much pleasure and enjoyment out of it as I possibly can and not just feel sorry for myself because self-pity isn't me in any way or shape or form. The day that I start thinking like that is the day I decline and give up and that's the last thing on my mind right now. And, if only I could make it compulsory to think proactively like that I would, but unfortunately what we tend to do is narrow our horizons and stop thinking about what we can't do instead of thinking about the things that we are still able to do. For example, I have always enjoyed playing competitive sports but they have been taken away from me by Parkinson's one by one by one until the only one that I am able to play now to any reasonable level of competition is crown green bowls. But when I am unable to play that then I will look around for something else to do because I must never stop trying. And that is the point I am trying to make about living with Parkinson's. It's all about evolving with the illness and understanding the fact that you have to be able to make the best of what you have, and what you can still do especially in the early years of your journey because if you don't then it's gone. And that's because we stop thinking and we wait, and we hope something will be found to save us from this miserable existence of Parkinsonism. But, unfortunately, if you live in the real world, as I do, the reality isn't like that and you could be waiting forever. And while there's nothing wrong in being optimistic reality will tell you otherwise. So my life has evolved to fit the reality that I find myself in, and the reality is that I have to live life right now.

TIME WAS

TIME WAS Everybody's looking for the Holy Grail when we will all be cured. But in the meantime, you still have to carry on with real life, real family, real everything. The easy part is being the disabled person, the hard part is being the real you and that takes some doing because it feels like the real person is disappearing into the black hole of life and you want to pull him out. But you can't, because you are having to be this disabled person who you don't recognize and can't do the things that he or she was able to do. And that side of being a disabled person takes a lot of coming to terms with because you are having to admit to yourself that you are not the same person anymore. And you start to look closer at yourself and wonder what is going to happen next. And it feels like your whole life is going to collapse in on itself, which only goes to make your symptoms a little bit worse in this maelstrom of your life that is swirling all around. And, it's a horrible state to be in. You are looking for the answers, but you can't seem to find any, and you keep fighting this battle with this unwanted stranger who has come into your life, and you don't like it. But somehow you have to find a way like I did many years ago. You have to try and come to terms with your disability and accept that it's come into your life and that you are going to have to live with it for the rest of your life because that's what you are going to have to do. When I first stepped onto the surface of Planet Parkinson I really didn't know what to make of it because it was full of old people. I had been given a one-way ticket to oblivion so there was no going back. But something at the back of my mind was telling me it was a big mistake. But the scanner or the washing machine as it was known in those days as it was so noisy, didn't lie. And that's how my life on the planet began. I felt completely out of place in a world full of elderly people. However, the most important thing that you have to come to terms with as soon as your diagnosis is confirmed is that there's no going back and the only way is forward. So that's exactly what I did. I fast-tracked my life and got on with it. Because although I wasn't showing any obvious signs of Parkinson's, I knew in the back of my mind that my symptoms wouldn't get any better and would start to get worse. But the one thing that I kept telling myself was that I was still young and I had time, but how much time was the question? I realized that it wasn't going to happen overnight but my general standard of health could dip anywhere and at any time so I was always conscious of that fact but it didn't make the changes when the changes came easier to come to terms with. It changes everything in your life and that can be a difficult thing to have to do because you don't have a choice. But eventually, when you realize that it has to become part of you and you can't keep fighting with it, life becomes easier and it starts to make sense. And it's a process that anybody who has a long-term disability has to go through in order to understand what is happening to them. I woke up this morning and there were three men in the room with me. The person I was, the person I am, and the person I would like to be. They all looked the same and yet they were all so very different from me. I could feel the way they were thinking I could feel their pain and it was heartbreaking because they hid it so well. They hid it from everybody but they couldn't hide it from themselves and they couldn't hide it from me because it was constant and neverending. And then the person that I wanted to be started smiling at me and kissed me on the cheek and reassured me that everything was going to be alright. But the person that I was wasn't sure what to do at all and acted like a rudderless ship. and the person I am was climbing the learning tree and swimming in the river. And then I knew everything was going to be alright. I was trying to remember the last time I was able to lie still on the bed. And at that moment, I glanced down at my left foot and it was shaking. So I thought, why don't you let the control of your tremor go? I closed my eyes and visualized myself floating down a river, holding on to a branch that was floating in the water with me. I was scared of going under because the river's current was so strong, and It was clear, that I either had to keep holding on to the branch or trust in myself to let go. The river's current seemed to be getting stronger. and I started to think about getting out but something inside me said no it was time to let go. So I did. I lay back in the water and hoped that I had made the right decision. I could feel myself being carried along by the strength of the current but I was too scared to open my eyes. I knew that I wasn't going to drown and the longer this went on the more I started to relax and the better I started to feel. But I couldn't go on like this forever because at some point I would have to get out. So I had to make a decision and It took me a few seconds to decide but eventually, I opened my eyes and I could see the sun shining through the window. What seemed like hours had only been minutes and I hadn't taken my medication yet. But strangely I felt calm. And I looked down at my left foot and it was still. Life will never give you anything other than life itself. And, as soon as I'd heard those words I knew what I had to do. It's as simple as that. And when I came across Parkinson's disease in my teenage years I thought I had to fight it and hope they would find a cure. Well, you can try but you won't win and you will get frustrated with yourself and the people around you and they won't thank you for it. And that kind of route may give you honor in fighting with it but you will never win the war let me assure you of that. So don't waste your time because you will wear yourself out. And as much as it might feel cool to be called a PD Warrior and think that you are all in this together, believe me, you're not. because they won't be able to help you in the middle of the night when your meds don't work. The only person that can help you is yourself. The thing to do is to learn about Parkinson's not from a book or a Youtube video but from yourself and your own experience of having to live with it. That's the way. And you will make lots of mistakes along the way but you will learn as I did and you will be stronger for it I promise you. Living with Parkinson's is just like being at school because you are learning every day from your own experiences. They may not be very nice experiences but each one of them is part of the process of life because you are on an individual journey that nobody else can share and you have somehow got to navigate your way through life with this condition. But that doesn't mean to say that you have to look too far ahead, because that wouldn't be good for anybody. Just learn to take one step at a time and try not to get too far ahead of yourself In other words don't try to run until you have learned to walk. It's plain and simple. All you have to do is ride the waves of optimism and you will be alright. Trust in yourself and believe in your own abilities and you will get through adversity, whatever that might be. The trouble with most people is that they don't believe in themselves and what they are capable of doing and achieving, and they give up before they have even started. And that's because they don't know themselves, and they can only see black and white. And if only they could see color all around them they would understand what I am talking about, and their lives would make sense. Color is everything in life because it brings everything into focus. Most people go through life and only see what's in front of them, but if they look up they would realize that there is a gigantic universe out there, and we are just a speck in the ocean. But unfortunately, thinking like that isn't possible for all of us because reality bites and hits you straight between the eyes and you have to try and deal with it as best you can. But for now, it's all plain sailing because I'm riding the wave of optimism for as long as I am able. Life isn't all about negativity because it has to be balanced. And, it doesn't matter whether you have a serious illness or not the same rules apply. If you haven't got a balance in your personal life then you will struggle to find true happiness and it won't be real. But that will only happen when you have learned about yourself and have clarity of vision. And that will come to you when you are prepared to come from behind your mask and show yourself. I threw away the mask of anonymity of who I thought I was a long time ago and came out of the darkness and stepped into the light. And now I can sleep at night with a clear conscience knowing that I am at one with the earth and the air that I breathe, and more importantly with myself. I feel clean and I don't have to hide anymore. I feel free to be the person I am. I have no secrets and I feel like an honest person again. Because I have shown frailty and gained strength from it. And it feels good because I feel reinvigorated and in a happy place once again.

NATURAL BORN BOWLER WINNING If you want to win a bowls match then you've got to understand the process which we all have to go through in order to win a match. It sounds so simple because the first player to get to twenty-one points wins the match. But? And it's a very big but because what do you do when you get to twenty points and you only need one and you keep missing easy shots to get the point that will win you the match and your opponent is slowly but surely catching up with your lead and you start to choke what then?. What then? And, you suddenly press the panic button and you end up losing the match. And you don't understand how that could happen because you were winning so easily and scoring so freely. The sun was shining, you felt relaxed and you were bowling well and it was quite obvious to anybody watching you were by far the best player, and you lost. Why? Well, first and foremost you only got twenty points and you needed twenty-one points. But the difference between twenty and twenty-one points can be an absolute mile. It can be so difficult to win a close match. And you have to have gone through that situation to understand what you have to do it right now in order to get over the line, and it's a mental thing but it's very straightforward. You have to focus. In other words, you have to shut out all those negative thoughts that have been going through your brain and you have to learn the art of concentration. You have to do what you were doing at the start of the match and you have to start doing it again. That's called visualization, and that's all about focusing your mind on the positive side of your game and shutting out the negative. In other words, getting back to the positive side of your game, because it's not rocket science, it's just common sense and if you can learn to do that then you might just find that you start turning those hard-fought losses into winning gains. There are very few players who are able to win every match because that's not possible. But you can certainly win more than you can lose and that being consistent. Doing the simple things well but doing the difficult thing better than the rest and that's the winning mentality.

NATURAL BORN BOWLER

CONFIDENCE One of the most important things if you want to play bowls to any reasonable level is to try and play with confidence, and if you have enough belief in your own ability then you will always have a chance of playing well. But, there's a big difference between playing well and winning. The first and most important thing you need to find in your game is consistency in line and length because consistency breeds confidence. And confidence comes from mentality. Do you feel confident before a match? Well, if you go into the game with a negative attitude then you are building a mental block in your own mind before you've even started, and that will not help you to feel confident. In fact, you are waiting for things to go wrong before they go right and when that happens you lose the right mental approach to be able to play well, and then you start to struggle. Confidence can be very difficult to have to find and it has a lot to do with performance because if you are not scoring then you are going to be low on confidence. So, how am I going to change that? Well, if you are not playing well then there must be a reason for it so you examine your game, find out what you are doing wrong, and work on correcting the weakness because that's what your opposition will be looking for. Matchplay is all about finding out your opponent's weakness because if you can do that then you can use it to your advantage. For example, does my opponent always play short? Or is he a long player? Does he play quickly or slowly? There are so many variables to Crown Green Bowling which is what makes it a great sport to play.

THE ALBUM YEARS

I suppose my love of record collecting really began when my dad came home one night with a pile of secondhand records that he had bought from the man stocking the jukebox up in the local bar room of the George pub on Walsall Road. And that's where my love of collecting records started to take root. The only problem was that they didn't have the middles but more importantly, I didn't have a record player to play them on. So I used to take them to the local youth club that was held in the hall every week next to Saint Barnabas church in Hampton Street and I'd play them there. They were in terrible condition because the A-sides were nearly worn out but the B-sides still played pretty well, and more importantly, the record player in the church hall had a stacking system so that you could play more than one record at a time which made it easier to use. And there was one particular single out of the pile of worn-out scratched records that I played more than any of the others and that was Honky Tonk Woman by the Rolling Stones. The other records I can remember having were Your Song by Elton John, Another Day by Paul MacCartney, and Burlesque by Family. And that's where my love of record collecting really began. And I can remember when my sister Pam was married and was about to move out of the family house in Forest Avenue, she gave me this battered old record player which was built like a Sherman Tank and seemed to go on forever and so I started to buy my own singles when I used to go up into Cannock with my mom shopping. The first brand-new single that I bought was David Bowie John I'm only dancing. And then I bought Alice Cooper School's out. And that was it, I was hooked. I later graduated to a state-of-the-art Pye record cabinet that my mom and dad had bought which had stereo speakers and FM radio which sounded amazing because it was the first time I was able to listen to stereophonic sound. It's really funny when I start thinking back because I remember listening to Get it on by Marc Bolan and T Rex in the red telephone box on Walsall Road just opposite the George pub because you could listen to the latest records that have been released by dialing a particular number. I think there were four of us that squeezed into the telephone box. But that's how I started collecting records, most of them at first were second-hand because I didn't have much money. Then, as I got older I was able to do a paper round and work on the milk float for a few shillings, I even got a job tire changing at the local Esso Garage on Walsall Road so then I was able to buy albums. The first one that I can remember buying was Aladinsane David Bowie, and then I bought Genesis Selling England by the Pound and so on. Following the current music scene became a ritualistic pastime where everything had to be listened to and nothing could be missed otherwise you almost felt left out of the conversation when you went to school the next day because if you hadn't heard the new release by String Driven Thing or recorded the latest session of Be Bop Deluxe in the John Peel Show. It was all one-upmanship but it was a harmless and healthy rivalry because we probably spent more time at the back of the classroom reading Sounds or NME than we did concentrating on the next bit of English homework we were supposed to be writing. I can remember the Aladinsane tour by David Bowie because I felt so left out when I didn't manage to get a concert ticket to go and see him especially as most of my schoolfriends were, and the only consolation was getting a copy of the concert program for the tour which is probably worth a fortune now but is absolutely priceless. Those were halcyon days for buying and collecting records as far as I was concerned because Saturday mornings were usually spent over in Birmingham scouring the rare record shops like the Diskery, Reddington's rare records. I can remember one particular occasion when we were in HMV records in Birmingham when a friend of mine managed to persuade one of the sales assistants to let him have an old advertising display that was about to be thrown out and replaced with the Genesis live album which included a full-sized cardboard cut out of Peter Gabriel wearing his bat's wings for the watcher of the skies. You can imagine the looks we got from the bemused passengers on the number nine bus going back to Cannock. or buying a ticket to go see Roxy Music or Gong at Birmingham Town Hall or even scampering down to Hurst Street to get to the Hippodrome and be one of the first die-hard Genesis fans to stay up all night in the hope that we could get some decent seats or any ticket for that matter to go and see our idols perform the Lamb lies down on broadway. I can remember how excited I was to go and see Pink Floyd at Knebworth for the first time because one of my friends had passed his driving test and his dad let him borrow his car for the day so we could get there and we had a great night until we tried to get off the car park to come back home and we only moved ten yards in six hours because everybody was trying to get off the car park at exactly the same time, which explains why the band themselves arrived in a helicopter and left the same way while the rest of us idiots were still trying to get off the Knebworth car park at six the next morning. And those kinds of almost insignificant incidents at the time which I will remember forever. We sat in that car park for nearly six hours listening to some of the greatest albums ever released because they were the album years. Music has a habit of coming alive when I listen to it and that's because I'm living the dream, living the emotions, living the fantasy of the record itself because music is fantasyland created by the melody and the lyrics. The melody entices you and the lyrics cement the relationship, and then we're hooked line and sinker, emotionally tied to that 45 forever. But that's what a great record does it draws you into the emotion and never lets you forget it. Tamla Mowtown was particularly good at producing emotional 45s by the bucketload. There was a time when vinyl ruled the world, with a record shop in every town. but time moves on, and the record industry has all but gone, but, some things never change because the song will always remain the same. Millions of memories and emotions are trapped on pieces of vinyl spinning around and around, crackling away full of imperfections of a lost generation. Music becomes a storybook, a reflection of our time. 1972 was the year when music really started to get into my brain. and it became very serious and very important to my psyche. It was the essence of my soul. The thing that really mattered to Rob Keene. Because as far as I could see, life didn't exist without music. There was very little beyond Pink Floyd and the dark side of the moon. Just a crater of emptiness and drudgery. All I could hear were the imaginary English landscapes of Genesis, the outer planetary Moog synthesizers of Yes, Emerson Lake, and Palmer who were telling me that the show must never end, and Paul MacCartney and his band Wings traveling the world with their rock show. There was absolutely no doubt that prog rock ignited the flame in my love of listening to music, especially albums. And as much as it all seemed so serious and crusty, pompous highbrow music that was superior to every other type of music on the planet except the Beatles, that only long-haired students who wore cheesecloth shirts and trenchcoats could like, it just made buying an album that, little bit more fun and interesting. Listening to music as a teenager became very ritualistic in many respects because we did the same things in the same order every time. Everything revolved around the music. There were usually five or six of us at school who would rush out during our dinner break and run like bats out of hell to reach the chicken barbecue shop which was situated between Taylor's bakery and the bus station before the queue built up for the lunchtime workers in the town center. We'd either buy a chicken and pork stuffing roll which was always neatly rolled up and sealed in a bag, or we'd have a hot beef pasty which was always far too hot to eat, and end up burning our tongues or the roofs of our mouths in our desperation to eat before we had to go back to school. And if we didn't get indigestion through eating far too quickly. We'd have a few minutes to spare to have a quick look in Martin's newsagents at the music papers. Then, if we had any time left at all, and there usually wasn't we would have a quick look at the new releases in the window of MacConnels music shop then race back up Calving Hill and try to get back into class before afternoon registration. Then it was a case of talking music in between lessons and planning whose house we would go to visit that night, and which album to listen to. It was all serious stuff for a fifteen-year-old prog rock fan. The 1970s was definitely a record collectors' paradise and for me, it was the time when I really got into music in a big way. Following the current music scene and record collecting became more than just a pastime it became a way of life. You'd listen to a new band on the radio or tv. You'd find out as much information on them as you could by looking through the music papers. Then you would take your records round to a friend or he'd come to you and you'd listen to and discuss bands all night. And if you really liked them and they happened to be on tour you get tickets and you'd go and see them play live. Apart from going to school, college or even having your first job. The rest of the time in the '70s ( apart from chasing girls) was spent doing just this and very little else. You built up your record collection and cuttings from the NME, Sounds, or Melody Maker. When you weren't at school you'd be scouring the record shops or record fairs for rare records that nobody else had. And if you found something that nobody else had you would parade it like a cockatoo in front of everybody. Owning the rarest record or having the best posters on the wall became a sort of status symbol or badge of attainment. I wonder how many of you have still got your record collections, cuttings, and concert ticket stubs gathering dust in your loft. Or still have that very complicated and expensive hi-fi stack system with extremely large speakers that had woofers and tweeters and even a graphic equalizer that took up half the bedroom or living room. Genesis in the Peter Gabriel Years years was a very big influence on the music that I liked at that time especially when I was at secondary school where it was the 'in thing' to be a progressive rock fan until the day when punk rock came along and then it wasn't so cool to like progressive music, but the album I have chosen to highlight today is Selling England by the Pound because it was only the second album that I could ever afford to buy having saved up my pocket money. And I can remember going down into Cannock one very sunny lunchtime during the school dinner break to buy it from McConnell's music shop and then when I was on my back to school all I could think of was how I could wag the next lesson and sneak into the music store cupboard where there was a decent record player to listen to it. Such are the delights of a misspent youth and then my next thought was how the hell am I going to get the money together to buy a concert ticket to go and see them at Birmingham Hippodrome that autumn? But I did manage to get the money together eventually and spent quite an eventful night queuing up and waiting for the box office to open the next day so that I could get a ticket to see the band that was my whole world at that point in my life. The invention of the mp3 was the final nail in the coffin of the record shop because they were so convenient and easy to use. But they weren't just easy to use they were easy to buy. You didn't have to go out of your own home. You could purchase the music you wanted to hear online. And, when that happened it was more or less the end of the high street record shop as we know it, and, as much as we embrace the changes in technology, there's also a certain sadness attached to it as well because it destroyed the relationship between the record buyer and the record shop owner. And I for one used to enjoy going into the local record shop because it was a social thing to do, a ritual, a way of life. It seems to be an outdated thing in this day and age but I miss it terribly. Particularly MacConnell's music shop in Cannock where I had been going to buy my records since 1971. That was always the first place I would go, as did many of my friends over the years. I got to know the people who worked in the shop, namely Mary and John Jeavons who I still know to this day. The original record shop was situated at the top end of Cannock near the bus station and just up from the old outdoor market stalls near the Cannock forum. The original shop if I remember correctly was very small and crammed full of records. In fact, it was so small that you could hardly get in there. But it was always worth a visit because you could invariably get the record you were looking for. I can remember going in there to buy one of the very first records I ever bought, The Jean Genie by David Bowie. In fact, it was a particularly memorable record because I had to take it back to the shop three times because every time got it home to play it jumped, and then when I took it back to the shop John would try it on the turntable in the shop and it played perfectly much to my embarrassment. But, John was such a nice and accommodating guy and was always willing to replace it. And, then when the multi-story car park was built in the center of Cannock, the shop moved to one of the new base units at the foot of the car park itself. This offered more space and more scope for the shop to expand into selling musical instruments, and equipment. and offering music lessons as well as records. The great thing about MacConnell's as a record shop was that John or Mary was always willing to let you listen to the new releases or any other record for that matter if you showed an interest, which is why we enjoyed going there to buy records because it was a friendly place to be.

INVINCIBLE The one thing I can't hide from the world when I'm on a bowling green is the fact that I have Parkinson's disease because it's there for everyone to see. It can be frustrating at times, it can be very difficult to live with but the fact of the matter is that I have no choice, and so I have to try and live with it the best way I can. This is what I have had to do from a very early age when my life smashed into a brick wall at terminal velocity speed and I thought I wasn't going to recover. My life had disintegrated into little pieces and I was desperately trying to stick them together and make sense of it all. I can remember the night when I sat in a dark room and I sobbed my heart out because I felt forsaken, overlooked, and all alone with these dark thoughts in a very dark place. 1977. And, I had to make a big decision. Was I going to stay where I was? Or was I going to try and move forward and take the risk of losing my way? Well, even in the pitch dark if you look hard enough and you keep trying to move forward you will find a way because somehow I found a flame in the middle of the darkness and I found the light. I found inner strength through my outer weakness and I felt invincible because I had built a mental shield for myself that could withstand anything. But, you have to commit and trust in your own abilities because that is what my shield is built on, and long may it last because my strong foundations of inner strength and belief have been impervious.

FATHER TO A SON In my opinion, the relationship between a father and his son should be special, and that can only happen if you have mutual respect for each other. Mutual respect, however, can only be built by your actions and that doesn't always happen and I realize that. In a lot of cases if there is no mutual respect it can lead to a serious disconnect in the father son relashionship and can turn into resentment but fortunately for me that has never been the case and I am grateful for that.The hardest thing in the world has never really been my disability but I have always had great difficulty in the inadequacy that I feel due to my disability in trying to be a good father to my son. And that's because he has only ever known me as a disabled person, and that has always been very hard for me to rationalize. I have never been able to help him in a way that a father would like to help his son. He has always had to learn to do things himself. But in a way, it has probably made him stronger and a more rounded individual and for that reason alone I know I don't have to worry about him. But there has never been that father-to-son bond between us because he's never really been able to understand what I've had to go through as a disabled father to a son and the inadequacies that I've felt. And the real credit for raising him should go to my wife Jane who has held the family together because she has had to shoulder the real responsibility of being a father and a mother and do all the things that I should have done with him. And because of that, there has never been a father-to-son relationship like there was between me and my dad for example. But I'm sure that it's not just me who has had the same feeling of being a disabled parent where their children have only ever known them with a disability. I realized very early on in Callum's life that there would always be a feeling of disconnect between us and as my disability has worsened I've found myself pulling away from him so as not to have to burden him with the responsibility of me because I am well aware that he deserves as carefree a life as possible. That doesn't mean to say that he doesn't care or worry about me because I'm sure he does and as much as I feel inadequate at times to be able to help him in little ways as a father would do I'm sure it must be the same but in a slightly different way for him because being a disabled parent doesn't just impact on my feelings and the way I see my relationship him he must see the way that my disability has affected the way his perception of being a son to someone who has a disability has come to impact on the way he thinks about me. Having a disability have far-reaching effects on the whole family structure and can change the way a family relationship can develop and eventually become and I have been well aware of that as my son has grown into a strong healthy man. But that's the way that life is and you have to adjust to every obstacle that it puts in front of you and Callum and I have tried to do that. But it's not all negativity because there is nobody prouder than me to see the strong sensitive loving person that my son has become through careful guidance and love from my wife Jane who has had to shoulder the responsibility of being a father and a mother at times as well as having to look after my needs as well so she has really been the rock that our family has been built on and I will forever be in her debt for having to do everything that she has had to do for both of us.