TIME WAS

TIME WAS Everybody's looking for the Holy Grail when we will all be cured. But in the meantime, you still have to carry on with real life, real family, real everything. The easy part is being the disabled person, the hard part is being the real you and that takes some doing because it feels like the real person is disappearing into the black hole of life and you want to pull him out. But you can't, because you are having to be this disabled person who you don't recognize and can't do the things that he or she was able to do. And that side of being a disabled person takes a lot of coming to terms with because you are having to admit to yourself that you are not the same person anymore. And you start to look closer at yourself and wonder what is going to happen next. And it feels like your whole life is going to collapse in on itself, which only goes to make your symptoms a little bit worse in this maelstrom of your life that is swirling all around. And, it's a horrible state to be in. You are looking for the answers, but you can't seem to find any, and you keep fighting this battle with this unwanted stranger who has come into your life, and you don't like it. But somehow you have to find a way like I did many years ago. You have to try and come to terms with your disability and accept that it's come into your life and that you are going to have to live with it for the rest of your life because that's what you are going to have to do. When I first stepped onto the surface of Planet Parkinson I really didn't know what to make of it because it was full of old people. I had been given a one-way ticket to oblivion so there was no going back. But something at the back of my mind was telling me it was a big mistake. But the scanner or the washing machine as it was known in those days as it was so noisy, didn't lie. And that's how my life on the planet began. I felt completely out of place in a world full of elderly people. However, the most important thing that you have to come to terms with as soon as your diagnosis is confirmed is that there's no going back and the only way is forward. So that's exactly what I did. I fast-tracked my life and got on with it. Because although I wasn't showing any obvious signs of Parkinson's, I knew in the back of my mind that my symptoms wouldn't get any better and would start to get worse. But the one thing that I kept telling myself was that I was still young and I had time, but how much time was the question? I realized that it wasn't going to happen overnight but my general standard of health could dip anywhere and at any time so I was always conscious of that fact but it didn't make the changes when the changes came easier to come to terms with. It changes everything in your life and that can be a difficult thing to have to do because you don't have a choice. But eventually, when you realize that it has to become part of you and you can't keep fighting with it, life becomes easier and it starts to make sense. And it's a process that anybody who has a long-term disability has to go through in order to understand what is happening to them. I woke up this morning and there were three men in the room with me. The person I was, the person I am, and the person I would like to be. They all looked the same and yet they were all so very different from me. I could feel the way they were thinking I could feel their pain and it was heartbreaking because they hid it so well. They hid it from everybody but they couldn't hide it from themselves and they couldn't hide it from me because it was constant and neverending. And then the person that I wanted to be started smiling at me and kissed me on the cheek and reassured me that everything was going to be alright. But the person that I was wasn't sure what to do at all and acted like a rudderless ship. and the person I am was climbing the learning tree and swimming in the river. And then I knew everything was going to be alright. I was trying to remember the last time I was able to lie still on the bed. And at that moment, I glanced down at my left foot and it was shaking. So I thought, why don't you let the control of your tremor go? I closed my eyes and visualized myself floating down a river, holding on to a branch that was floating in the water with me. I was scared of going under because the river's current was so strong, and It was clear, that I either had to keep holding on to the branch or trust in myself to let go. The river's current seemed to be getting stronger. and I started to think about getting out but something inside me said no it was time to let go. So I did. I lay back in the water and hoped that I had made the right decision. I could feel myself being carried along by the strength of the current but I was too scared to open my eyes. I knew that I wasn't going to drown and the longer this went on the more I started to relax and the better I started to feel. But I couldn't go on like this forever because at some point I would have to get out. So I had to make a decision and It took me a few seconds to decide but eventually, I opened my eyes and I could see the sun shining through the window. What seemed like hours had only been minutes and I hadn't taken my medication yet. But strangely I felt calm. And I looked down at my left foot and it was still. Life will never give you anything other than life itself. And, as soon as I'd heard those words I knew what I had to do. It's as simple as that. And when I came across Parkinson's disease in my teenage years I thought I had to fight it and hope they would find a cure. Well, you can try but you won't win and you will get frustrated with yourself and the people around you and they won't thank you for it. And that kind of route may give you honor in fighting with it but you will never win the war let me assure you of that. So don't waste your time because you will wear yourself out. And as much as it might feel cool to be called a PD Warrior and think that you are all in this together, believe me, you're not. because they won't be able to help you in the middle of the night when your meds don't work. The only person that can help you is yourself. The thing to do is to learn about Parkinson's not from a book or a Youtube video but from yourself and your own experience of having to live with it. That's the way. And you will make lots of mistakes along the way but you will learn as I did and you will be stronger for it I promise you. Living with Parkinson's is just like being at school because you are learning every day from your own experiences. They may not be very nice experiences but each one of them is part of the process of life because you are on an individual journey that nobody else can share and you have somehow got to navigate your way through life with this condition. But that doesn't mean to say that you have to look too far ahead, because that wouldn't be good for anybody. Just learn to take one step at a time and try not to get too far ahead of yourself In other words don't try to run until you have learned to walk. It's plain and simple. All you have to do is ride the waves of optimism and you will be alright. Trust in yourself and believe in your own abilities and you will get through adversity, whatever that might be. The trouble with most people is that they don't believe in themselves and what they are capable of doing and achieving, and they give up before they have even started. And that's because they don't know themselves, and they can only see black and white. And if only they could see color all around them they would understand what I am talking about, and their lives would make sense. Color is everything in life because it brings everything into focus. Most people go through life and only see what's in front of them, but if they look up they would realize that there is a gigantic universe out there, and we are just a speck in the ocean. But unfortunately, thinking like that isn't possible for all of us because reality bites and hits you straight between the eyes and you have to try and deal with it as best you can. But for now, it's all plain sailing because I'm riding the wave of optimism for as long as I am able. Life isn't all about negativity because it has to be balanced. And, it doesn't matter whether you have a serious illness or not the same rules apply. If you haven't got a balance in your personal life then you will struggle to find true happiness and it won't be real. But that will only happen when you have learned about yourself and have clarity of vision. And that will come to you when you are prepared to come from behind your mask and show yourself. I threw away the mask of anonymity of who I thought I was a long time ago and came out of the darkness and stepped into the light. And now I can sleep at night with a clear conscience knowing that I am at one with the earth and the air that I breathe, and more importantly with myself. I feel clean and I don't have to hide anymore. I feel free to be the person I am. I have no secrets and I feel like an honest person again. Because I have shown frailty and gained strength from it. And it feels good because I feel reinvigorated and in a happy place once again.